Monday, November 23, 2015

From the Depths of Hell..

I wish I had better news for you guys.

I thought I would have a more positive post to write. I thought. 9 days into this journey. That we would be in a different place. 

That we would be able to smile and laugh about everything that we have been going through this past week. And put the past behind us.

I thought Dan and I would be able to survive. 

I was wrong.

The coroner will call it 'death by potty training.'

Dan and I will be found lifeless. Lying on the tarps that currently cover our living room carpet. In a puddle of urine. While our pants-less toddler dances around yelling 'no potty!'

Here's the gist: she has been dying to wear big girl underwear and start using the big potty. She takes her dolls to the potty often. She tells us when she has to go and right when she needs a new diaper. She's totally ready. We did all the research. Pinned all those "3 day potty trainings" (which, shockingly, NO ONE seems to fail at). We cleared 3 full days. We removed all rugs and tarped our living room. We stayed by her side every single second. We knew we'd spend our time running her to the potty every 15 minutes and then cleaning the trail of pee up off the floor. They promised us 3 days of misery. For a potty trained toddler. THEY LIED. We followed this system to a T. We did not give up. For 9 days we've done this. Our little perfectionist had PTSD from her first accident and refused to pee ever. Even after sitting on the potty for hours. We're still at it, but it isn't going well. It isn't going at all. Literally.

Since I'm now an expert, I'd like to share my 8 tips for potty training. I really hope these will help you in your future endeavors.

1) Have a small reward system. M&M, twix, cake pops, brownies, entire buckets of Halloween candy. And then plan to gain 10 pounds. 10 pounds because the bribery didn't work one bit. So you can wallow in self pity and eat all of the bribes yourself.

2) Enjoy the look of the tarps. Get rid of your dream home pinterest boards. Just embrace the feel of sticky tarp on bare feet and the slight glare it gives when the sun shines just right. You wont ever be able to remove them. Not even when they head to college.

3) On day 5, when you've lost all hope, take them to chick-fil-a. Take them to the outside playground. Watch them pee all over the playground 80 seconds after getting your food. Then, learn all about chick-fil-a's wonderful perks, like antibacterial wipes, plastic bags for soiled clothes, and BONUS extra pairs of toddler pants in the back.

4) Get a little potty that plays music when your child pees. That way you can hear the music played approximately 0 times and curse your $30 spend.

5) Always keep an extra pair of pants in the car. For yourself. For when you get peed on in the parking lot, and then have to head to life group. 

6) Get incredibly excited by all the pinterest articles that say it'll work. Pin them all. Read them all. Believe them all. The ones where the children learned by the afternoon of day 1. Then cry in the corner of the bathroom floor eating the potty reward candy because your child is the exception.

7) Pump them full of juice. So much juice. So they really have to pee and you have many opportunities to allow them to go potty  hear them melt down from now on when you give them water, and all they will ever drink again is juice.

8) Remember how hard this is for them. How simple things seem when you are older, like sitting up, walking, making sounds, and, yes, learning to pee. And how hard they are to learn. Love them through it. Tell them, regardless of the outcome, that you are so proud of them for trying. Laugh when telling your neighbor to avoid the no-longer-sanitary chick-fil-a playground. 
I hope these tips helped. I can guarantee if you follow them your kid will be potty trained within 3 days (or 3 years, somewhere in there). 

Send wine cheesecake!


  1. Oh gosh this is hilarious and tragic all at the same time. We've been talking potty training up for the last few months, but have yet to commit to it. I'm scared!! I've also pinned those potty train in 3 days posts and had high hopes. Now I'm contemplating hiring someone for the job. Or sending her to potty training boarding school - is there such a thing??? Sending hugs, chocolate and all the cheesecake your way!! Good luck :)

  2. oh girl. sending you mama hugs. I've been having a pity party the past few days over Lawter being sick and a miserable whiney fussing toddler who screams no at all times and makes us feel like child abusers when doing meds. ugh. kudos for having a sense of humor about it! now go finish off the reward pile. you've earned it. xo

  3. Oh gosh, good luck! PS I am now terrified...thank you! lol