Comedy for your Tuesday

Tuesdays are the worst. Mondays, you are still in weekend-mode. Wednesday is hump day. Thursday is Friday eve. And Friday? TGIF. But Tuesdays are just Tuesdays.

Have you noticed that everything bad happens on Tuesdays? Okay, so not bad. But those trivial things that you just don’t want to happen. They happen on Tuesdays. Like this morning, I was running late, so I decided to put on my mascara at a red light. Well I dropped the brush on my new khaki skirt. It proceeded to bounce 3 times, and leave 3 lovely black stains, that I got to wear all day. Tuesdays. (I know .. I shouldn’t have been late, or been putting on mascara in the car .. but I’m going to blame it on Tuesday).

It’s like the day that I went to Starbucks on the way to work, was very excited about my $86 frappucino, and dropped it on the floor on the way in. Tuesday. Or when I was on my way to return the brand new loaner Mercedes, and the girl who didn’t speak English crashed into the back of it. Tuesday. The day I found out that they no longer make Dunkaroos? You guessed it, Tuesday.

Tuesday

Start to notice, and you might find it quite comical.

Speaking of comical, have you heard of Demetri Martin? He has been a favorite of mine for a while. I don’t listen to much stand-up comedy, but I find him hysterical.  He is so incredibly smart that his jokes usually involve a play on words and require a little thinking. They are also mostly one-liners, so you don’t have to listen to a long story.  

Before you watch this video (and come on, you have 4 minutes for a little comedy on a Tuesday), I have a few of his jokes typed out. It’s a fun little preview and will get you in the mindset.

"When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults."

 – Demetri Martin

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

– Demetri Martin

"I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. "

 – Demetri Martin

Do you kind of get his sense of humor? And now, if you don't find this funny, please don’t tell me. I spent 4 glorious minutes in the car ride home crying I was laughing so hard. Don’t spoil it.

You can start it at the 40 second mark:

If the video doesn't work, try this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uW6DgGRqgBo

My flight home

My flight home on Sunday was a late one. I left Miami at 815, and, with a stop in Atlanta, wouldn’t get to Charlotte until 1am. When I booked it, I thought, “This is really going to make for a miserable work day on Monday. Oh well. You know who would enjoy dealing with this pickle? FUTURE Kelley.”* I assumed that future-Kelley would seriously resent past-Kelley come a 6 am wake-up Monday morning.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad. I had enough caffeine to get me through. It allowed me an extra day in Miami, and I was able to get some fun pictures.

Have you ever seen a sunset from an airplane? I know I have somewhat, but not with this intensity. Being a mile in the sky made it seem as if the sunset was being sucked away into the distance, instead of heading down below the horizon. We passed clouds so thick they looked like holes, absent of light, in the sky. Some so transparent, they merely blurred and dimmed the colors. And some filled with lightning, which made for a surreal paradox of both beautiful and frightening.

It made the entire late night travel worth it.

click to make larger

I wish dearly that I was in the front of the plane, and didn’t have this wing, or the distracting bright light in the way. I tried editing out the light, I tried cropping them differently, but something just didn’t feel right about editing the pictures at all. I wanted them exactly as I had seen them, straight out of the camera.

click to make larger

I have to be grateful, though, that I didn’t switch to a closer seat on the East side of the plane. Dan attempted to change it, so I would get off faster and have a better chance of making my connection, if delayed. So I will take my distracting wing, over mere darkness in the other available seat.

click to make larger

As the sunset went to bed, we were left with just the storm clouds. I did what anyone with a DSLR has attempted, and, at one point or another, has failed. Trying to capture lightning. Except, since I am a novice, I added the following: From a mile in the air. In a turbulent moving vehicle. Without a tripod. On too low of a shutter speed. Too many attempts later, I captured the following 2 pictures.

click to make larger

click to make larger

I still think they are cool. In contrast, the lady next to me on the plane thinks I’m a complete lunatic. Who takes a million pictures on a turbulent plane, while its pitch black outside? Randomly checking the screen to see that, yet again, that picture was completely black?

Part of me wondered whether my camera was on the list of approved portable electronic devices. The other part of me knew that the on-a-power-trip flight attendant would set me straight if it were not. And a final part of me wondered whether the flight attendant in the black turtleneck was male or female.

The world may never know.

*How I Met Your Mother  … anyone get it?

I'm in Miami, trick

Alright, I lied.

By 27 miles.

But LMFAO didn’t sing “I’m in Ft. Lauderdale, trick” because it’s too many syllables. That’s the only reason. I heard that they, too, were 27 miles from Miami. So I used the same artistic license with my title.

One of Dan’s groomsmen and best friends lives in Ft. Lauderdale. He just finished the Bar Exam, and we had been promising for a few years to visit him. This made for a wonderful, much needed, long weekend.

Another great friend of ours, Merrick, lives in Korea. He was in the states in between school years and for his sister’s wedding. So Dan conned him into buying a plane ticket to Ft. Lauderdale as well. It had been way too long since we had seen Merrick in person. At one point Merrick referred to himself as “Asian.” Which is quite funny. Because, he is not Asian. He just lives in Asia. See below.

So it became the joke of the weekend. Can we say in unison? Merrick. You’re. Not. Asian. Merrick is known for speaking without thinking. And we are known for putting additional words in his mouth to make it even funnier. Needless to say, there were a lot of laughs this weekend.

Brent’s mom lives on the intercostal waterway in an absolutely beautiful house with a wonderful view.

To show our appreciation, we hijacked her boat.

Posed for a picture.

And set sail. Cue the Little Big Town song “Pontoon”. That song was going through my head all weekend.

We took the boat out two days, and spent as much time as possible out on it. We did a lot of this:

B. Trap drives the boat like this:

Safe. I’m sure. Once out of the intercoastal and into the ocean this is our view. (Mom – I know it’s a super boring pictures with no clouds, don’t cringe. At least the horizon isn’t in the center).

Absolutely, nothing. And just what we wanted. We did some backflips off the boat.

Dan attempted a Superman.

And, while we are making fun of Merrick. You didn’t think we changed subjects did you? This is his “front flip.” Quotes are necessary. Don’t want to lie to yall twice today.

He looks like a zombie falling off the boat. Or maybe one of those fainting goats that paralyze themselves for a few seconds and fall over. (Have you seen those videos? I know what you are doing after this.) We very much love our Asian friend.

Next up, I was a super tourist and took pictures of this guy. Have you ever seen these? I guess they pump water with a high enough pressure to get you airborne.  I tried shouting “I want a turn!” but Brent just sped up.

We watched a lot of the Olympics, went out to dinner, grilled out, shared favorite beers, and tried to get Brent to freestyle rap like old times. It is always wonderful seeing friends who know you so well and stay so true despite the distance. I always say that if everyone would pick one city, I would live in it in a heartbeat. Even if it was, heaven forbid, above the Mason-Dixon line. But for now, until my dream comes true, we are having a wonderful time visiting friends in Miami (whoops, second lie), DC, New York, Greenville, Atlanta, Columbia, etc. etc. Maybe even Korea? (nah..).

Sleepy Puppy

Dan and I were in Ft. Lauderdale visiting friends this weekend. I'll post pictures from that tomorrow. I picked Koda up from 'Camp' and grabbed these shots at a red light. The progression of a sleepy puppy.

She fell asleep sitting up, and didn't even finish her treat.

Little miss decided to put herself to bed at 7 tonight. She is currently upstairs, under our bed, sleeping, with no plans to join Landon and I on our date with Chris Harrison.

A typical morning conversation

Dan is not a morning person. I am almost always running too late to drink my coffee before I leave for work. Therefore, our conversations in the morning are not very profound. Exhibit A, this is what went down yesterday morning, pre 7am.


Kelley: I had a dream that I was taking a ballet class and Arie was in it.

Dan: Odd.

Kelley: Yeah, during the class he fell in love with a girl who looked just like Paige from the Bachelor Pad.

Dan:  Very odd.

Kelley: My reality TV shows are starting to blend together in my dreams. I think I have a problem.
…….Should I see someone?

Dan: Yes. Chris Harrison. He is probably the only one who can help you at this point.



Good thing we have a date with Chris on Monday at 8pm Eastern.

Homemade "York" Peppermint Patties

I have another recipe for yall. This one deserves to be shared. It is for homemade “Yorks”. These are a little time consuming, but oh so worth it.

I swear I have recipes that don't involve chocolate or mint .. just give me a chance to prove it to you. In the meantime, enjoy another chocolate-mint recipe.

First, gather your ingredients. Outside. Where the lighting is better. To take pictures of them. Complain to your husband that we need more lights in the kitchen.

Don’t judge our large bag of chocolate chips. We buy them in bulk. I like to bake. You never know when life calls for a cookie cake.

You'll use:

1 can Sweetened Condensed Milk

7 cups Powdered Sugar

3/4 teaspoon Peppermint Oil (or 3x that of peppermint extract -- I'll explain)

A few cups of chocolate chips

Food coloring (if desired)

First pour the condensed milk in your mixer, or in a bowl (but a hand mixer will be necessary!).

Add the Peppermint oil. I like to use to use peppermint oil (you can get it at Michaels, Sur La Table, etc.) because it is more concentrated. It won’t affect the consistency as much as extract will. This is especially good for icings, candies, and other non-baked items. Extract won’t hurt this recipe, just make sure you use about 3 times as much.

If desired, add your food coloring here. Then add the powdered sugar one cup at a time. You want the mixture to no longer be sticky.. If it is still sticky, throw in another half a cup. It should look like this:

The batter will taste like toothpaste. Don’t panic. I promise these will be delicious.

Take spoonfuls of the batter and flatten into patties. These do not have to be exact. As large of patties as you want, as thick as you want, they can all be different. Lay them all over your kitchen. Stress your Type-A self out.

Melt your chocolate chips. Mine took about twice this much melted chocolate.

Smooth chocolate over one side. Let harden. (I slide the foil on baking sheets and stick them in the freezer for a few minutes to hasten the process).

Flip.

Spread chocolate over the other side. Decide whether it is worth the added effort to smooth chocolate around the edges to fully coat. Decide that it is not.

This makes about 40 (depending on size). Feel free to half the recipe. Feel free to immediately regret it when you taste these.

The Bachelor Pad

Do yall watch this show? Please don’t judge me for what I am about to say. It. Is. Awesome.

It is incredibly trashy television. But so entertaining.

Now, I typically don’t like any of these competition shows. Survivor, Real World, even American Idol. But this one is gold.

Maybe it doesn’t hurt that I have seen all the seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette to know all of the people.

Here’s the premise. Each individual was somehow well-known on a previous season of the Bachelor(ette). Producers make sure to include love triangles, enemies, and a lot of clashing personalities. It is hosted by the ever-famous Chris Harrison.

Each week there is a competition. One girl and one guy win the competition.  The winners are given a “rose” (weird right?) and are safe from elimination. Most weeks, the winners are allowed to choose a date. They give that person a rose, which gives the date immunity, and together they go on a Bachelor(ette) themed date that night.

Where it gets good. Some people are there to win the $250,000 prize. Some, surprisingly enough, are there to genuinely find love (yes. really.). So those who are in it for the money have to suck up to those trying to find love, hoping to get the date, and become safe from elimination.

Then, each week, the guys vote one girl off, and the girls vote one guy off. Alliances are formed, backs are stabbed, drama ensues, I pop popcorn.

The strategies involved are crazy each week. And it is very fun to guess what will happen next, who the target will be, should he ask her out, etc. The producers are apt to throw in a few twists each season.

Don’t knock it until you watch it. Invite over good friends (like Landon!), pause so you can talk about strategies, and laugh at the girl already crying on night one. Don't feel bad for her. She signed up for this.

And if you watch it and still think I'm weird, I didn’t write this, my blog was hacked.