What It's Like Being a Mom

I have started this post more than a handful of times over the past 14 months and have deleted it every time. I can never find the right words to say everything I want to say. This time, I'm just going to type and click publish and we will see what happens.

I always knew I wanted children. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I carried dolls around and wished they were real. I secretly hoped we would find a baby on the doorstep and I would have to help raise it (lifetime movie style). I babysat from the moment someone trusted me with their children.

When Dan and I got married and discussed when to have children, this fear came over me. Yes I wanted babies. I wanted a million of them. I wanted the car seats, and the sippy cups, and the pacis, and the shy child who buries their head into my shoulder when we go into a public place. Children that were mine. I wanted to be a mom.

But at the same time, I wondered if I would regret it. Not the children themselves, but the timing. Having children early in life. I know regret sounds like a harsh word, but I wondered if secretly, deep down, it would be true. 

That children are hard. That they are tiring. That they want you to play with them all the time. You have to follow them around because babies get into stuff and toddlers make messes. They get up early, and get up throughout the night.

That I would be tired. That I wouldn't be able to sleep in ever again. That I wouldn't be able to go out with Dan. That we wouldn't go out with our friends. Vacations would never be relaxing. And I would never sit at the beach, or even on the couch, ever again. I would be following a baby around, changing diapers, cleaning up spit up, and making bottles. That I would want my old life back. The life I gave up. Never to have again.

It doesn't help that you read all these posts about 'real life' and 'confessions' from moms who are exhausted. And that society tells you that children are mostly a checkbox in the perfect family, but to have them late - that they hinder your career and your personal time.

I can honestly tell you - I have never once regretted the timing of having Olivia. If anything, I should have had her earlier! She is the best thing to ever happen to me. I have never had more fun in my life. I follow her around because I want to be with her. I spend every second I can with her. I put her to bed way past her bedtime because I want to play with her longer. I miss her when she's sleeping and contemplate waking her up. I secretly get excited when she wakes in the middle of the night - so I can use it as an excuse to run into her room. I think about her constantly when I am not with her.

I love to hold her. I love to watch her learn. I love to talk to her, teach her, introduce her to my favorite things, and use her as an excuse to order off of the kids menu.

I can sleep 12 hours if I want to - because that's how long she sleeps at night. We still go out with friends, have dinner at restaurants, and go on vacations. I'll tell you a little secret? Sometimes we use her as an excuse to leave early, because we would rather spend time with her than some other people. 

I don't like it when people 'take her off my hands' - instead, I'd rather them get the groceries or cook dinner. I don't cook nearly as nice of meals as I used to, nor spend time getting ready, or wear nice clothes. Not because I don't have the time, but because I would rather spend the time with her. 

The worst part about being a mom? Thinking about her growing up. Or her not needing me anymore. Or her not understanding how heartbreaking 'mom, you don't know anything' would be - just as I'm sure I did to my mother. 

She isn't a hassel. She isn't exhausting (although she sure does her best!). She isn't career hindering. I don't even remember life without her. 

What did we do? Sit on the couch? Watch more TV? Stare at each other? I literally cannot remember what we did to fill our time before our little buddy was born. Maybe the house was cleaner. Maybe our meals more gormet. Maybe I washed my hair a little more often. But I can tell you - there's no life I'd rather lead than that of a mom. 

It's clearly not like this for everyone. But the 'honest' posts about how hard it is to be a mom are all over the world wide web. For anyone scared about becoming parents, I thought I'd throw in my two cents. This is the easiest and most rewarding thing I have ever done. I want to do it a million times over.