Sunday, April 27, 2014

Working From Home

I am incredibly lucky that I get to work every afternoon from home. I go into the office for 5 hours, pick up Olivia around lunch, play with her, put her down for her nap, and finish the rest of my work day. 

Since she doesn't nap at daycare, she takes a 2.5 to 3 hour nap when she gets home. Between that and logging on after she goes to bed, I get all my work done. 

I get to play with her in the middle of the day. She gets a good nap in. And when she's up at 5, I'm already home with her. No commute, picking her up, and throwing her in bed. 5:00 is play time! 

That being said, there have been a few days where Olivia didn't have daycare. If she's been sick, we had a few snow days, and this week is her spring break. Those days are ridiculous. 

I have to act like I have my life together - because I don't want anyone to find an issue with my normal arrangement. 

So I present to you, A Day in the Life of Working From Home with a Six Month Old (working title).

I'm up, need to start working because I won't get much time later.
My internet is not working.
Email has been working, but my work Instant Messenger is not. Baby is awake. Dan gets her.
Keep trying to fix work IM.
Work IM was not broken, turns out no one was online as early as me. Whoops. Let's start working.
Dan: Can you watch Olivia while I shower?
Really? I've been working 15 minutes?
Dan puts Olivia down.
Dan: She's down but not asleep. I have to leave for work. Peace out, cub scout. 
(These quotes are not exact).

Run upstairs, put the paci in, baby seems sleepy.
Baby asleep. YES. Just in time for my 1.5 hour conference call.
937 .... 7 minutes late, ugh.
Team: We finally have everyone. Kelley, can you hear us? Kelley, can you see my screen?
(Side note for people like my mom: I call in with my cell phone. They share their screen onto my computer. I have to have both with me. I can also mute and unmute my phone).
"I can see your screen. Good morning!"
Baby's up. Thanks O. A solid 11 minute nap. COOL.

Run upstairs. Baby needs new diaper. She cries when I put her on the changing table.
Team: Kelley, can you debrief us on how testing is going?
Pick up baby. No pants. No diaper. Hope I don't get peed on.
"It's been going really well ... yadda yadda... IT jargon thats super boring .. no one knows what I do."
Get the diaper on the baby. 
Head downstairs.
O needs milk.

Team: Kelley, have you seen this error message before?
"I have not." 
It's a lie. I don't know what we are looking at. I'm not near my computer.

O still needs milk.
Not enough hands.
Set O on the kitchen floor. Think about how unsanitary it is. Ignore those thoughts.
Make bottle.

Team: Kelley, what was the project number you referenced earlier?
"Let me pull that up again."
Buying time, sprinting to my computer.
Olivia sneezes.
Team: Bless you, Kelley.
"Uhhh ... thanks. Allergies."
"Project number 37."
Milk. Forgot about the milk.

Feed O.
O panics because she's so hungry, starts chugging. I'm happy I can sit down.
O sees that the noises are coming from the cell phone. O is obsessed with cell phones. Forget the milk, MUST. HAVE. CELL. PHONE.
Thank goodness I'm on mute.

Hangry baby cries because I won't give her her own cell phone. Isn't it too early for this? Shouldn't she be at least 3 before we have the cell phone conversation.
Hangry baby won't eat because a cell phone is near by. MUST. HAVE. CELL. PHONE.

Walk over to my computer because I need to actually see what they are talking about.
COMPUTERS???? Forget the cell phone. COMPUTERS ARE THE BEST!

Pull up a blank word document so O can type. 
fjiajfiewaiojiljfsjljflewkjrjeare. Change screen super fast before mom knows what is going on. IM boss: "fjeijvvvvvvvvv." Boss: "huh?" Me: "Typo."
No more computers.

Put Olivia in her excersaucer. 
Team: Kelley can you explain what we are looking at?
(Unmute) {"Welcome to our learning farm!"} (Mute) {"We have lots to show you! Shapes and colors music too!"}
Team: Kelley?!
{"Theres so much to do oooooooo!"}
"Oh I am sorry. I thought you meant the other Kelley." 
Luckily, sometimes, there is another Kelley. It buys me time. Walk into other room in case Olivia pushes more buttons.
"More IT jargon"

Smile at baby. She's super cute. Why can't I play with her instead? Contemplate ways of getting out of this call.
I'm on mute right? Oh good.
Get baby out of exersaucer.
Door bell rings.
Dog barks ferociously.
Walk to door.

Team: What do you think about that Kelley?
No idea what they said.
Too much noise.
(Unmute) "I completely agree." (Mute). No idea what I agreed to. Know it'll come back to bite me later.

Package at the door.
Contemplate handing the baby to the delivery guy. UPS does background checks, right?
O sees the mailbox. 'Let's go,' she says with her eyes.
Walk outside.

Team: Kelley, did you get my screen share request?
Crap. Sprint back to computer. (The requests go away after about 30 seconds.)
"No, it didn't come in. Can you send it again?"
One day they are going to catch on.

Baby loves outside. I need my computer nearby though. BRILLIANT PLAN.

Set baby down.
"You're fine."
Undo stroller. Bring coffee. Bring computer. Get baby.

This is a reenactment. If someone were there to take pictures, I clearly would have handed the baby to them.

Work from home attire: Hair in ponytail. No shoes. Pink PJ pants. College fraternity shirt that says "Get Nu'd" (Dan was a Sigma Nu .. get it?).
Neighbors wonder what kind of shambles our lives our in. (Fears later to be confirmed when we hang out in our backyard pool with our portable Margaritaville blender). 

Know that if I stay in our driveway, I will still get our house wifi. 

Stroll laps in the driveway. Neighbors decide we have mental issues. They lock their doors. 

Neighbor lady with actual mental issues comes over: baby so cute.. squeak .. baby girl. Olive. My little Olive. Olive so pretty in her stroller. 

"I'm on a work call!"
..I'm on mute right? ..good.

"I have work on the phone!"

Neighbor: Olive so cute. Squeaky baby. Baby shoes. Olive wear baby shoes. Sammy look at Olive baby shoes. Where's Cody. Cody cutest dog.


Neighbor: Oh so sorry. Sammy come back.

I wish her name were Sammy. Unfortunately it's the dog across the street. No time for questions.

So close to being finished. I have to keep this charade up for ten more minutes. I can do it. 

Olivia is asleep. Best news ever. Ideally, I would like to sit down, but walking works. Just a few more minutes.

11:01, 11:02, 11:03, 11:07
Really?! Doesn't the rest of the team have another meeting? Why is this still going on?

{Ride on lawn mower starts next door.}
Crap. Lawn crew. Won't be able to hear or talk. Have to go back inside.

Wake up O.
Team: Kelley, did you capture all of the requirements? Will you send out meeting notes post this call.
Pick up O quickly. Run inside. Leave stroller and work computer. Lawn crew seems trust worthy.
"Yes, got all of the requirements. I'll send those out."
What am I doing? I have no idea what we talked about. I'll wing it. I'll figure something out.
Team: Thanks for dialing in Kelley. Looking forward to those notes.
"Thanks guys."
Team: Olivia is so great. I never hear her on any of these calls.
"Yeah, she naps a ton! She's a really good baby." Lie #3.
"Have a good afternoon."

Have to figure out these notes. Good thing its nap time. I need a second to actually work.


...Olivia power napped in the stroller. She's ready to go for another couple of hours. No nap for her. Let's party. 

How many hours until Dan gets home from work?!


  1. OMG, I love how you write! Hysterical, not funny really....but hysterical read! Hope no one from work follows your blog. Love you!

  2. too funny! reasons why I can't work at home! I do it once every week or two or when necessary and it's soo hard! I don't know how you do it! Way to you mama! :)

    1. I hear it gets harder as they get older. Our girls aren't even crawling yet. Might get even more interesting here in the next couple of months!